My next attempt was at another big box chain and I tried a different tactic. When the greeter accosted me kindly - I accosted him kindly right back. I already knew what I was looking for so I insisted he lead me to my desired item, which he did in broad, trepidatious steps. Since I was already being led by a greeter the others grazed off to the sides, texting on their sidekicks and watching for management. We found it on the shelf and I pointed at it and told him to carry it to the check out for me, which he would not do, but whatever.
Since that time a Staple's has opened near my house, which is kind of cool for me since I used to love the old zines and would spend hours in a Kinko's with zine pals copying and stapling. The static smell of copiers and white out is a nostalgic joy from my youth, but there is no joy to be found in Staple's. They take this greeting ceremony to another dimension because they offer to help, knowing full well they cannot help you, and when you say "Yes, help me find _____" they have to look for a senior staffer. At the check out they give you a minor address about their commitment to you and offer, Hare-Krishna-Uninterruptible-Style, a magical card that takes something off something or something. The speech sputters off near the end since no one who does not have the card, wants the card. Just for good measure the shoplifter alarm goes off and you feel nice and uncomfortable and forget to check the receipt since they are focused on the speech and not the petty "cash transaction" stuff.
Consumer confidence is at an all time low. Lower than last year and the year before. With Christmas upon us there is not much signaling a great rebound in the retail sector. Polyester pique golf shirts and khaki pants, loyalty cards, creepy greeters and that guy who looks at your receipt on the way out the door - the whole experience is an invasion of personal boundaries and wicked skeezy. Shopping has always been escapism for the American people, we like to go where people we don't know are - and look at things we can't afford. Its exciting to be in front of a wall of televisions twenty feet high with noise and lights. Its fun.
Or rather, it was fun. Now its all creepy uncle and those who know how just buy online.
Moral: Get your GED, take some night classes, stop smoking weed and pay that child support. make something of yourself man, you don't want to work at Staple's...
