Sunday, March 04, 2007

Don't Smell




I Battle with odor.
There isn't a deodorant made by man that I have not tried and every one has failed me. The one that came the closest was Old Spice. Of course, the only reason it worked was because it overpowered my stink with a greater one. It didn't fight odor as much as substituted it with abstract macho scents like "Pure Sport" or "Glacial falls."

For a while I tried to abstain, but that didn't go over too well. The justification for this was the reports linking the strong chemicals with all sorts of health problems. As far back as I can remember there were always surgeon general warnings painting deodorant bad, and the details were always on the box of breakthrough alternative products. They made it sound so dire that spraying on right guard or smearing a pit with a jelly stick felt like I was putting a fucking gun in my mouth. At lunch I would walk through the department stores looking for the sample ladies to give me a hit of Cologne.

This will sound odd, but now I use limes. That's right, limes. I worked with a guy from the islands, and one day I saw him cut up a lime and reach under his shirt with it. This looked as weird as it sounds, so I asked what he was doing and he said this was how he kept from smelling. He cut me a piece and I tried it. You know what? The shit worked. You could use a lemon too, but I find it too acidic and it gives me a little rash. I know it sounds crazy, but try it. I promise that you will give up in that freaky chemical stick made from god knows what and smelling like metallic ice (?) what and switch to cool familiar scent of lime. The official minimalist deodorant.