Sadly, I cannot let this one go. Tonight I ate at Woody's. Its a pizza place/draft beer joint that uses wood fire for their ovens. The flavor is not as strong as other pizzas cooked in wood ovens, you probably wouldn't know about this extra step were it not plastered all over everything in the place. Not the best pizza in the world, but not at all bad. The location isn't on the main drag, so it isn't noisy or overcrowded, its just right.
Why does this merit attention? Feeling experimental, I also ordered a veggie burger. Any vegetarian worth his salt knows to stay away from the veggie burgers, especially in restaurants. They are either the disappointing store bought hockey pucks or they are a horror show of creativity by an over ambitious chef. I knew better than to order it even when I ordered it, the menu said it was made on site from fresh ingredients and like a fool, I fell for it. The thing arrived and I knew right away that it was bad without taking a single bite. It was grey. Like - a brain. It looked like a brain. It wasn't cooked on a grill or fried in a pan, it was through and through grey. When you put "burger" at the end of anything a customer has a certain expectation that either flavor, texture, or at the very least appearance will be of a "burger", so when it arrived open faced and by all observation uncooked it was clear that I had ordered badly. Imagine a patty of grey mashed potatoes, tepid, and falling off a bun with sliced cucumbers - CUCUMBERS! Not even pickles. Just a squirt of some 1,000 island dressing.
I took a bite. Without pause I slide the whole presentation as far away from me as possible. Some things you know are beyond rationalizing and I knew without so much as a flinty spark of neural effort that I wasn't going to eat this contemptuous thing. Fortunately I am in the habit of ordering way too much food and had a whole pizza that I planned to take home. Eating out is a gamble. When I used to travel I coined the term "beat for breakfast" which is drug buying slang, paying for one thing and getting a fake version or much smaller quantity than requested. Whenever eating out, particularly breakfast when cooks are hung over or sleepy, someone always gets a fucked up meal. You can send it back, but you send it back to the same person who fucked it up to begin with. The future holds only dissatisfaction. Better to diversify in case of a disaster.
The waitress saw the plate on the edge of the table and after a few passes it was clear that I was not happy with it. She did the usual "How is everything" check. Calmly and definitively I said:
"That is the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten."
A very good waitress was she, bantering "Tell me how you really feel..." and the item came off my check. I love the waitresses and I wondered if I was the first one to order this item and send it back or if I was the first one honest enough to articulate that it was disgusting (a la emperor's new veggie burger). I didn't see how it could have been prepared in a way that would make it appetizing and it is a permanent menu item...
Anyhow, Woody's does everything else right, just never order a veggie burger.
